Jayden Becker
Complicated Grief 1.0 | A Short Film 2019
A self portrait stop motion short film.
Complicated grief - An escape plan for your brain that holds too much weight in your body so it feels as if it’s suffocating under water. Your body screams for peace but your mind dances over the forgotten feelings of heart stabbing pain that you have so carefully stepped around.
This is a little snippet of a glimpse of my brain as I sat outside on a beautiful sunny morning painting my toes when I was 16. As the birds chirped, my brain started to spin. A whirlwind of thoughts started to cascade in my mind. It felt like my brain was in an arena and my body was being tormented from the inside out and I had no where to run. A severe panic attack from all the emotions and feelings that I had not faced yet since my dad died. It was the start of a continuous battle of severe anxiety, intrusive obsessive thoughts, and depression. It was like a damn was opened up and everything flooded out.
Complicated grief. She told me. That’s what you have. I sat in the warn green corduroy couch tapping my foot to keep my mind at bay. My therapist looked at me as I blankly stared back. What the hell is that I said. What on earth is complicated grief. At least 8 failed medications, transcranial magnetic stimulation, microdosing mushrooms (good for in the moment but not helpful long term), an outpatient program (this was horrible and I left), therapy twice a week for a year (I don’t know what I would do without Stacey), a hospital visit later. Nothing seemed to “fix” me. Nothing but time. Time is and has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Trying not to glide over it helps too. Tilting my head down and trudging through it full force.
Complicated grief. Grief. Complications. Feelings. Thoughts. Emotions. Overpowering. But getting through. One step forward. 3948 steps back. But somehow I’ve made it to where I am. And sometimes my brain feels like this video. And sometimes it’s at peace. ~
